break-up fridge

remind me to tell you about break-up fridge

sliver

I'm wearing silver again.  Haven't wanted silver in almost ten years.  Gold, rose gold, gold has been the thing.   Now a marcasite clauddaugh ring from Eire at seventeen is on my finger.  Turned inwards, heart to me.  But it's not that I'm back to just silver, it's that I only want to mix my metals.  I just need to find some gold to my silver finger.  But silver I'm open.  You look good.

I've become superstitious

We always seem to have enough socks.  They serve a personal purpose that remains somehow unsentimental.  Even when a stranger gives you her socks, after a compliment, and they're still warm, there's still less a bond than an 

understanding

One of a pair may become lost.

I seem to have enough socks, and barely look at them.  And then it struck me this evening that my socks take care of me.  Warm, dry feet are not to be taken unseriously.  

Poemlike they come in and out of our lives over time; we acquire more 

it's quiet about it

the shape 

of sadness

it's just

I saw it just now

in three pairs 

laid out on my bed

still warm

See I've become superstitious

B BALL

Keeping busy is something, like dribbling a basketball, and you can't stop and start again.  Feel the texture of the ball, keep your knees soft, agile, use your eyes, your lungs.  The clock's running, the crowd you your team want a 3-pointer from half court at the last second, we want a slam dunk; we all want to win.  

It feels like that now.  The net is there, the swish is a possibility, this is a good metaphor for the moment.  Basketball's beautiful.  I played rec league in Collingswood during grade school. My team was the Tigers; we were complete underdogs.  Kinda rag-tag.  My mom took one look at me during a game told me later she felt like she'd cheated me never teaching me to run.   But some dad dude who ran the league told her I was an "exuberant" player.  Through it all I never forgot what that word means.

One year the Tigers won the playoffs by sheer luck and guts.  Until I moved to NYC I had my shirt from '92, I was #5 and someone'd written KICK ME in sharpie on the back at the end of season ice cream social.  It was out of love I'm sure.  I think Mimi has that shirt now.

Now I have house guests when I should probably be alone but it's all right, and I'm trying to dance a lot, let go, listen to the music and move.  I think the way out is through.  Even though it fucking sucks sometimes.  Stay busy, surrender to the feelings, accept the delivery. WHOA man.

My Love Grows Stronger

Totally having a full force flash back deja vu. Which has now passed.  You know it ruined it when I heard that deja vu is just a blip in the brain circuitry, affecting what basket something goes into first, synapse out-box before in-box.  I preferred to think it were a cosmic gift, psychic charm, spidey sense, tap the sap.  But back to reality.  Boiling water in a kettle for the bath.  Edith Piaf says hello in stereo. (I help a brother out and he doesn't say thanks.  i blame the lower case.)  Soak my bones in a brine of salt and lavender.  Eat an apple for an elemental.  Remembering I'm still me. 

LEVITY

surrounded and protected by the love and good wishes of everyone who loves you

Today was:  lavender at four am (thinking of) and again at seven pm (salts procured for the bath). listening to old songs, feeling old strengths.  in the such of raw nerves. 

an inside-out back-handed swish success, if you can count:

sweat pouring down my face during a cynthia workout
after waking up at 2:50am and not going back to sleep

listening on headphones first to music to disappear into (a long-leaning favorite) and then when that failed to send me off to rivendell i tried "preparing for a successful surgery: on the day of your successful procedure" guided imagery recording, and it was surprisingly effective.  notions of "procedure" can be pretty loose.  even "surgery".

"begin to focus on your intention to have an excellent outcome from today's surgery
imagine the procedure going beautifully, and recovering rapidly and completely"


i think it helped

Pluto I Feel You

How to scale back and have it be generative.  I thought it prudent to place verdant green things around myself, or I suppose also place myself around verdant things.  I saw empty cigarette packs enter the subway preceeding a man.  Standing downwind from this man, I could smell that he was not all there.  Thus the menthols' entrance. 

I've found the library, and it's awesome.  I've made a pact with myself to read every book that I borrow.  To keep myself smelling all there.  So far I've read: Bossypants by Tina Fey and SEND: Why People Email So Badly and How To Do It Better by David Shipley and Will Schalbe.  The latter actually gave the former a run for its money in terms of funny.  I learned that "EOM" means "end of message" and it's polite to put "EOM" at the end of the subject line if the message is all subject and no body.  As in (their example):

From: The Universe
To: Pluto
Subject: You are no longer a planet.  EOM.

Other than that I've been observing a bunch.  A gray dog today with an excess of fur that was howling along to a siren in spurts.  Just every seventeenth step sort of letting out a burble that was the same timbre and tune as the siren.  Also met a French Water Hound Of Which There Are Only Fifty In The States And Why When They're Such Good Dogs And Such Beautiful Animals With Such Poise.  I saw a bulldog with an empty plastic juice bottle (big one) out the side of its mouth.  Good dog comedy. 

Back to the miracles of the day definitely.  I recommend having a friend you can text when this crazy shit goes down in our world.  Speaking of crazy shit, I saw some today.  But it's so crazy I can't say more!

Magazines from Spain.  Extra coffee.  Apples.  This is how far I've gotten.  This is how I've gotten so far.  All body no subject.